Unconscious Standards and a Reaching For a Higher Love

We are all raised in a specific culture, in a society, within a family with certain standards and expectations for how we should act and behave. Having a child diagnosed with autism has been a huge eye-opener for me to observe just how many of these standards are not taught outwardly but instead implied. We take on many of them unconsciously. Societal norms and subtle messages are not seen or felt the same way to an autistic child. He or she doesn’t respect your personal space bubble not because he is rude but because he doesn’t have a gut reaction of shame when he sees someone reaction like another child does.

Having an autistic child has been the greatest gift for me because I suffer from the opposite problem that he does, I overthink everything I say or do around people. I believe that this is one of the reasons other than my love for it why I decided to be a glass beadmaker, because dealing with people took so much of my energy. I felt that at the time I could really thrive in a job when I worked alone. I would constantly replay conversations in my head, and to this day I still have trouble responding to messages because I find my need to please people and the compulsion to overthink my wording so exhausting, that I end up automatically being rude by not responding.

This unconscious programming that I had taken on to such a severe degree unconsciously was exactly what I was now given the task of having to consciously teach to my son. I also had to sit through watching my own need to be liked and accepted and when my son acted the way he intuitively thought was acceptable even if it made me want to simply disappear. A mother’s love is blind, and yet I have learned that it truly sees with the highest perspective of all, it sees with the heart. It is truly the only way to see the whole picture, with love. “Love is patient, love is blind.”

I was forced to be honest with myself. Did I want to teach him to suffer, to intuitively feel fear, shame and guilt like I did my entire life? Could I honestly believe that there was something wrong with him that he didn’t suffer this way like I did? Sure, it would have saved me a lot of time and embarrassment, but no in my heart I knew that nothing was wrong.

I think it can be healing for all of us to contemplate what judgement is, and ask ourselves why we judge others around us and ourselves. Judgement is an unconscious belief that there is a standard that one must hold one’s self and others to. What do we get it from it? Where did the standard that we automatically imply when we judge come from? Can we actually point to it?

In how many areas do we have this unconscious standard? Looks? Behavior? Morality? Success?

The most important question to ask is how does it feel to have this standard? How does it color and veil our vision of what is? How do we WANT to feel? How do we WANT to see? Why would we choose to see something other than that?

It’s always because we are afraid. We deeply, intuitively want to be loved and accepted, we want to be part of a community and we want to feel like we’re part of it. Our financial success, and our ability to provide for ourselves all depends on acting the right way, and fitting into a group. Under this fear is a core desire, the desire to be loved and accepted. The cycle of judging yourself and others will continue unless we identify this core desire, and we examine the standards we hold ourselves and others to. When this illusionary cycle of fear and the standards that we unconsciously believe in to uphold it is seen through, only one thing remains.


Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.- Rumi


Learning How to See

I believe that we came to earth in order to learn how to see. We all want to live in a beautiful world, but when we start worrying about the things that we think are the opposite of beautiful, we miss the beauty that’s all around us.
One thing that really helps me truly “see” is spending time in nature and changing up my routine to include doing things out of the ordinary that revive me. Recently I went out on a walk very early in the morning, and the sunrise and the mist evaporating off everything made the magic of everyday life too beautiful to miss.


It’s a Small World

I have a new “Poison Nightshade” bead series that I’ve made for the Halloween season. The idea behind is has a long story behind it, but I thought that it was one worth sharing.

Recently I realized that magic is real and a part of us all, in fact it’s the fabric of reality. I used to be a perfectly practical and pragmatic person, in fact I went so far in that direction that I almost lost my spark. I neglected my own self care and felt like my responsibilities were eating me alive, but the more I pushed myself forward the more I felt like I was falling behind.

Last October, just before Halloween I went for a walk in the cemetery, that is just up the road from my house. To the back of the cemetery, where the oldest graves are, there is one cemetery plot in particular that is hard to miss. Dr. Pomroy was a successful doctor from the 1800’s who prescribed herbal remedies.

His cemetery plot is gorgeous, every bit of it is covered in stone with an enormous pink granite monument in the center. There are heavy pink granite bird baths on either side. The pyramid theme continues in the stone walls around the plot, and the cut stone slabs that cover each grave. There are steps to invite you up. In this poor town his plot stands out.

On this October day there was one thing growing on this beautiful stone covered plot. I’ve always loved plants and identifying them and I recognized the plant with beautiful red berries as poison nightshade, and google confirmed that I was correct. “Poison nightshade on an herbal healer’s grave!” I was thrilled with the joke and thought the timing, just before Halloween was especially thrilling and creepy.

There was one other time months before this that I visited this cemetery plot. I had taken my daughter for a stroller ride and fascinated with the elaborate plot I put the brakes on her stroller and went to check it out. A moment later my daughter was flying down the hill and I sprinted after her just narrowly catching the stroller before it crashed. My daughter was completely unconcerned and never realized what had happened but I was quite unsettled. I must have not put the brake on properly.

Intrigue became a seed in my mind, like the seed that a bird had dropped by the birdbath that had sprouted into poison nightshade. My daughter and I went back the cemetery as Winter fell and she was wearing a pair of bright purple mittens. I was trying to get her to take a nap and she was very grumpy. Having never read the inscriptions on the stone, I removed her from her stroller and took her with me so that this time, the stroller wouldn’t roll away down the hill with her in it. She started having a tantrum, not uncommon for a strong willed two year old and before I could read the stone I had to leave with her. When we were almost back home she noticed that her mittens were gone and she started screaming “my mittens, my mittens!” I decided to go back later to retrace our steps but never got the chance to go back.

An impulse came to me a few weeks later. I was standing in my bedroom, which happens to be my favorite room in the house. It used to be an old attic and has walls that angle in but we were able to renovate it into a master bedroom. I had a vision for the room for years since buying our house. I painted the entire room white, with a white wood floor and a turquoise blue rug.

While standing there I remembered that years earlier when I first moved to this part of town, a friend and I had done a little bit of research into Dr. Pomroy and that he had a written a book of herbal recipes. I had never bought or read the book, so I decided to order a copy. I was busy with work so I never had time to look it up.

Later when I had a spare moment, I couldn’t remember what I had had an impulse to do, just the feeling of it. It felt good. It took a few minutes to recall what the impulse actually had been. I have always enjoyed plants and foraging so I thought I might be able to learn about some local medicinal plants from his book. To my surprise the book has been archived and was available for reading free online.

Even more to my surprise the book was titled “Clairvoyant Reminiscences and Herbal Recipes” and included the life story of Dr.Pomroy. I found the story engrossing, so engrossing that I couldn’t remember getting so lost in a book before and it reminded me of when I was a young girl reading novels.

Dr.Pomroy describes walking to a city 2 hours drive from here to find employment as a 15 year old, and walking through the Black Woods not realizing how expansive the forest was and having to spend the night there with wolves howling around him. He describes the development of his clairvoyant powers and frequently going to mesmerists. I always assumed that Dr.Pomroy had been a doctor who claimed to be clairvoyant. I never realized that clairvoyance led to his becoming a doctor. He prescribed herbal medicines for people in a time when mercury was prescribed as a medicine, surgery was crude, unsanitary, misunderstood and over-prescribed. Most of his patients came to him after traditional doctors could not help.

I fell in love with Dr.Pomroy and I felt so much connection to him as he described growing up here in a remote disadvantaged area, but having a deep love and connection with it at the same time. It was like reading a fantasy story that took place in your hometown. It made me start thinking about many aspects of my life, including having the bravery to go out in the world and share your gifts, knowing that not everyone will like or accept them.

After reading the book, I went back to visit his grave again on a winter day. We had about an inch of snow covering the ground and I went for a run. My footsteps packed the snow under my feet. I walked up the steps to his plot and this time I finally got to read the names and dates on the stones. I walked around behind the stone and exactly where I stepped and disturbed the snow was my daughter’s purple mitten.

The older I get the more I realize that love is all there is to life and the only key to living a good one. We are sometimes taught to protect our hearts and to “grow up” and stop seeing the world with the loving accepting eyes of a child. When we hear about a story of a clairvoyant person, our mind goes to disproving and explaining.

The fact is that we do not live in a material world. There is something more, and there is something that bridges the divide between the material and the spiritual. That thing is God. That thing is magic. That thing is love. The differences between those three words, only exist in our mind, and our mind is a thing that differentiates. Beyond the practical view of the mind, there is only one thing, Love/God/Oneness.

I have since gone on to thoroughly research Dr.Pomroy and I have gone on many field trips in the process. It has been like a scavenger hunt, with lots of Easter eggs along the way, but the real prize in the end of every worthy endeavor, is none other than finding our authentic “self”, our nature as Love. The things I have found and experienced have been rich, all underlying expressions of love.

Love comes through to us in gifts, in different ways. For me it’s a deep connection with nature, a love of art and creativity. The things we are passionate about doing are the ways in which Love flows through us.

Yes, Magic is real. Its existence is what ties us together in shared being. It shows itself to us by coincidence, synchronicity, and shared connection, it’s what makes this random and sometimes cruel seeming universe collapse into something small at times. Whenever we find out that we have a connection with some seemingly random person and we say “It’s a small world!”, and in that moment, magic happens.

We are connected. We are all one. What is real never dies, but lives on as Love. Sometimes that love is a crow dropping a poison berry so it sprouts into a weed that grows on the grave or an herbal healer. There are no mistakes in life, it’s all by intelligent design.

It only requires our belief, and our recognition and acknowledgement to be seen. There is no difference between love, creativity, flow states and magic. Magic=Love. Open your heart to see it.


About My Art, My Artist’s Statement

I am but a slave to the master of beauty and light. I live and breathe an ever changing dance of color and form. Glass is the medium that allows me to mimic this miracle of the universe best. Glass has a magic of its own and an ability to reflect and transmit light. I believe the reason we find this effect so beautiful is because light is our very essence. I hope that you can find a piece that resonates with you and reflects back the light in you. I will have served my master well.


I believe that nature is a constantly changing miracle, one that as modern day humans we have trained our minds to overlook, I find great joy and inspiration for my work by constantly reminding myself to look closely at my natural surroundings. Living in beautiful rural Downeast Maine makes this easy. I am fascinated by the tiny details present in nature and constantly challenge myself to make my work more and more detailed. In the form of such small beads this gives my work the same quality as nature. You must stop, be present and look closely to appreciate the beauty that is there.

How the Beads are Made

My beads are made in the flame of a torch through a process called lampwork. The glass is melted and wrapped around a thick wire so the beads are formed inside out. I use many different techniques to achieve fine details including pulling the glass into hair thin pieces to “draw” or “paint” on the bead. Some of my designs are encased for depth and dimension. Most of the glass I use is murano glass, produced in italy. The majority of my pieces incorporate dichroic glass which has the magical effect of making the beads sparkle, glow and appear to have their own source of light.

When the beads are finished they are placed directly into the kiln where they are kept hot for a period of time and then slowly cooled. This process gives them strength and durability. My designs are always changing and I’m always experimenting with new techniques and types of glass. Though I have a few signature designs most of my designs change and evolve over time, resulting in pieces that are truly unique. Because of the nature of glass and the process I use each individual piece is unique and one of a kind, even if it is the same design made in the same week. Because of this I photograph each individual piece I sell, so you will receive the exact same piece that is photographed.

I started making beads in 2004 and have been blessed to be able to do glass art full time since 2007.


Artist’s Block

I apologize for my lack of writing for the past months, after Christmas we gave up the idea of ever finishing our renovations ourselves. So we hired them out so the past few months have been a blur of sheetrock dust covered craziness. We lived for most of the renovations in just our kitchen and joining dining room with two little kids and a large dog. During that time we got two large blizzards and between 2 and 4 feet of snow. Needless to say it was a long winter.

Ironically today I feel like writing about how to overcome artist’s block. To me art is writing and painting but also all endeavors and tasks infused with creativity, including the mundane practical ones. It’s that newness and inspiration that can be brought into so many things in life. It’s magic. As artists, and as human beings we all know the high of that feeling so well.

And we also know the despair and discomfort we feel when that feeling has abandoned us.

Writer’s block or artist’s block comes from the belief that art comes from you. This is not how creativity works. It may seem like that’s how it works sometimes, but that’s an illusion. If you ever suffer pain from feeling uninspired, try to notice what your thoughts are telling you about you. Likely they are saying something like “I’m not as good as I thought I was.”

If you aren’t inspired right now, fully accept your lack of inspiration. Don’t judge it as a bad thing. If you don’t know what you should do next, fully embrace and welcome the feeling of not knowing. What does it feel like? Does it feel like emptiness or numbness? Or does it feel like fear? Where in your body do you feel it?

The problem is, we don’t often take the time to ask these questions. We instead beat ourselves up for being a fraud or lazy or whatever else, and then that feels so awful that we can’t help but distract ourselves with something else. Maybe we look at other’s art, not for inspiration and our of an inherent love of art but to compare ourselves with others. Maybe we get into an argument over what art is or what art is not. If you are looking at art and having lots of thoughts about how you stack up with the artist, you are feeding the artist block monster.

The artist block monster is your own ego, and it’s the creativity killer. Creativity comes from the you that is not your sense of you. Creativity doesn’t know what income bracket it falls into, what it’s horoscope sign is, or what color hair it has. Creativity comes from the you that doesn’t know it’s separate from other artists, nature, the stars, the universe, or the dust bunnies under your couch.

There’s a space of not knowing, a space of emptiness, a space of no thought and that is the space that invites in creativity.

There are no artists, there are just people through whom art comes through.


Distraction and Discomfort

I think we all have some project or ambition that we never quite seem to get around to. For some of us it’s just being organized and for others it may be a book they want to write or a particularly challenging piece of art they want to create. We never seem to find the “time” but yet we have time for mindless social media scrolling and entertainment. So let’s get past the lie of telling ourselves that time is our problem.

We know when we aren’t reaching our full potential and it makes us uncomfortable. It also makes us uncomfortable to actually get to work on a project, especially if it’s important and we don’t know if it will work. For most of us that discomfort triggers us into seeking distractions. It’s easier to entertain ourselves with other people’s problems, whether they be real or fictional people. We could engage in gossip, watch a TV show, or just scroll through our Facebook feed. We could distract ourselves with the world’s problems by watching the news, reading news articles or being overly concerned with politics yet not ever take any action to improve the things politically that we are so upset about.

Or we can find something to nitpick about someone else’s project rather than going to start our own. We can spend our time leaving comments on blogs or youtube or social media whenever someone says something we disagree with or goes about doing something in a different way than we would have. Then we become hyper-critical and are so critical of ourselves that we are unable to work on anything that really matters to us.

Or we can tell ourselves that we aren’t running from discomfort, that we are just too tired. Being tired is just a form of discomfort and when you work on something that challenges and engaged you discomfort quickly fades away into inspiration and energy.

All you need to do is make one simple mindset reversal. Discomfort is to be embraced, not avoided and distractions are to be avoided not embraced. Most people come programed with the opposite setting. This one simple hack will transform your time and your life.


Why I Photograph Each and Every Bead I Make

Have you ever bought something “handmade” online or through a catalog and received something that looked nothing like the photograph? I have and it almost never makes for a good shopping experience. The magic of handmade items is in the tiny details that make them unique. Those tiny differences are still there even when two pieces are very similar. Those small details really do matter and are a big part of why a piece “speaks” to us or does not.

I recognize the fact that I lose a lot of time and profit by thoroughly photographing each bead I make. I currently have thousands upon thousands of bead pictures on my computer that someday I will need to take the time to sort through. I was told that I couldn’t clog up my hard drive with photographs because I’d never be able to take so many, but I have managed to do just that. 🙂

However the alternative would be completely unacceptable to me. Not only would I risk disappointing my customers by having them receive something that wasn’t what they ordered, but I’d be reducing my beads to just a few cookie cutter designs. Instead I’m free to make each and every bead just how I like. My designs are free to change, evolve and improve over time, and I’m free to use rare kinds of glass that is no longer produced. I’m free to try new designs and new variations whenever I like, and sometimes they are one of a kind pieces and other times they may become series that I make for years.

I let the glass “speak” to me, in hopes that the results speak to my customers as well.



The Criticism Addiction That Kills Creativity

Almost all of us are addicted to criticizing. Something in us enjoys criticizing others, to make us feel better about ourselves or maybe because it’s just a habit. Most of all we criticize ourselves. We have this ideal in our heads that we go about measuring everything and everyone by. We know that ideal is silly and can never exist but still it’s there.

It’s a slippery slope. First you’re innocently doing your art and you think, “Oh this little bit of tree detail isn’t right here.” Now you can either find a way to address this little issue and learn something from it. Or you fall on your butt and slide down the slippery criticism slope. This ride quickly takes you through the stages, “Nevermind, the whole thing is crap.” to finally land at the bottom which is “I am crap.”

There at the bottom of the hill, so many people quit and walk away. The brave ones climb the whole hill and start again. Be brave but next time save yourself a lot of time by learning to avoid criticism. Criticism starts when we go from seeing an area with potential for improvement and instead of going straight to improving we make it personal.

When you look at other people’s work really pay attention to the thoughts that go through your head. Do you feel like your work isn’t as good if you see something amazing? Do you feel superior if you see something that you don’t like as much? We learn more and open the door for inspiration if we see other people’s art for what it is, instead of always making it about us and our art.

Then when we look at our own art the same way, we can see more quickly what we can learn from it and how we can improve it. Instead of making judgments we can see possibility. Judgement shuts the door in creativity’s face. Curiosity welcomes creativity in.


Art is the Act of Manifesting an Idea

What is art and what makes a person an artist? I think the answers to that question can vary as much as art itself. My own answer will completely depend on when you ask me, and I’d probably even give you different answers over the span of the same day. But this is my answer to that question for the purpose of this blog post.

An artist is someone with the bravery and ability to manifest a new idea in their head. Because only when an idea has been manifested, can the idea be shared with others.

The ideas can vary from something like “this is how a baby penguin’s likeness looks like in the form of a glass bead” to a startling, gruesome, hard to look at painting that makes a statement about society. Are they completely different ideas, that evoke completely different reactions? Yes. Some would say one is art and one isn’t, I say they are both ideas manifested by the artists, and therefore they are both art.

Some art disrupts the world. Some art can get you killed depending on the laws of the country you live in. Some art just makes the world a more beautiful place. For now, I’m content not to disrupt the world with my art because what I think the world needs the most right now is a little more beauty.



The Path and the Butterfly


I know from working with glass that just practicing the same skills over and over again results in great improvement. But this improvement can only be found on the level of technical skill. When I focus only on my technical skills my creativity starts to atrophy. If I focus only on following my creativity, the end product becomes more and more impractical and harder for others to appreciate and relate to. My current reality is that if I can’t make things that other people want I don’t get to make things at all.

Improving your technical skills is like walking a path and never leaving it. It gets you there, and it gets you there fast and safely but you’ll never discover anything that’s not along this path. Following your muse or being creative is like trying to catch a butterfly. Just as it settles down and you think you’ve finally got it, it flights off in some other direction or even completely out of sight.

To any creative person I give the following advice, try to give equal attention to the path and to the butterfly. Don’t be afraid to leave the path, and don’t despair at the time you “lose” chasing the butterfly. But when the butterfly goes so far off the path that you stand to lose your way, let it go for a while. It will always come back to you.